Disney You Sneaky Bastard!: Lion King Edition

I love watching movies I haven't seen in a few years, especially children's movies. You always discover some adult joke you were too ignorant to get when you were like 8. Now, thanks to ABC Family, The Disney Channel, and my random ass work schedule, I have been watching a lot of these movies and laughing my ass off at the random plot holes I missed, as well as the skanky story lines I didn't realize existed. Here's the Lion King's:

1. Nala was literally bred to be the King's wife.

Nala's life is one to be envied. Well, by Evelyn and other Basketball hoes Wives (let's throw in Love and Hip Hop groupies for good measure as well, except Yandy, I fux with Yandy...) As a kid you're just like, oh they're best friends who grew up together! Of COURSE they got lion-married when they got older! Now you realize that Nala was bred to be Simba's queen. I mean, Zazu said it to Simba when he was chaperoning them to the Watering Hole/Elephant Graveyard, but it never really clicked, probably because you were quickly distracted by all the bright colors and the awesome song that is "I Just Can't Wait to Be King."

You're humming it now aren't you?

Then comes the next big question: who is Nala's daddy? The only lion nuts I see on the screen are Mufasa's and Scar's. Is Mufasa Nala's dad? Scar chills with Hyena's and looks like the lion equivalent of your typical skinny crackhead uncle, so you know he aint gettin no lioness puss. What if Nala's dad is from the Lion Projects that Kovu and his family are from (Lion King 2 anyone?)? I googled some shit because I'm sophisticated like that, and came across this random ass family tree. I've never heard of Mufasa's dad and granddad, as well as these random ass siblings of Nala's and Kiara's that we've never seen but uhhh, yeaahhhh...ROFL at the random baby Simba Rafiki drawings for the missing lions doe hahahaha

Whatever the case, Nala is either fucking her brother or gave birth to her second cousin. Incest is rampant all through this damn movie and its sequels, but Simba has a good head of hair, and he and Nala are cute together, and Kiara has no birth defects, so let's just keep it movin...

2. How did Simba not die while he was living in the Oasis?
Quick question: How is a lion able to survive on a bugs only diet for about 4 years? Simba is not only a grown ass lion, but his mane is completely grown the fuck out. He's got volume for days and even a part in that shit. That means he's at least 5 years old (yes I watched Really Wild Animals religiously as a kid, Spin was my dude! 10 points for Gryffindor if you remember the awesome musical montages at the end). So, someone explain to me how this big ass lion was able to survive without eating meat? And if so, how did he not completely destroy the ecosystem of said oasis by eating all the fat ass bugs he could find. One thick ass slug on a leaf is NOT going to quench that boy's appetite. My brother is 26 years old and can eat 10 pancakes. Simba is probably the same age in lion years, and I'm assuming the equivalent of 10 pancakes is not one fat ass slug.


3. Random Question that doesn't quite tie into this post:
If Nala caught up to Simba so quickly when he returned to Pride Rock, why didn't she like, yknow, say "hey Simba, wait up!" while he was running through the fuckin desert?

Like, she popped up 2 seconds after he got to Pride Rock, you mean to tell me she or even Timon's loud ass couldn't yell for Simba to wait a minute?

4. I Didn't Realize Nala Bussit Open in the African Bush!
As a kid, when Nala almost eats Puumba and get's reunited with Simba I was like,"awww, they're together again!"

Then they started playin in the water and running around the African plain and what not and you're like aww they're cute!

NOW, I realize that Disney introduced us to top shelf lion porn.

First of all, when they're fighting each other and Nala pins him, Simba instantly remembers who it is. As a child I thought this was cute, now, this is some 50 Shades of Lion King kinkiness. Simba might as well be Christian Grey, remembering random lionesses based off of the physical pain they inflicted upon him.

But aside from that, they run off together, and Simba proceeds to get a hard-on from watching Nala lap up water. Then they somersault down a hill and when they hit the bottom, rather than worry about the bruises that she definitely has, or you know, the state of her spine, she instead gives Simba the "eye." Because the first thing I wanna do after I fuck up my back is try to get some bunz...

Yeah, if that were me I'd have to say sorry babe, pass me the frozen peas and we'll try again tomorrow. Not Nala doe, she makin us all look bad...

And THIS is why I'm still single...