Childhood Nostalgia: Being the Backpack Holder

Remember the days when you looked forward to bodily harm? Now when you get hurt, you just struggle. When you get hurt as a kid a whole new world opens up not just for you, but for your friends as well. You a damn lie if you say that there was no better day than the one in which you walked into homeroom and saw one of your friends on crutches.
There is no greater job in school than being your crippled friend's backpack holder. You get to leave 15 minutes early and experience the creepy, yet cool feeling that is walking through an empty hallway because god forbid your friend gets knocked over. You get to get to the next class early, and experience another creepy, yet cool feeling: watching your teacher prepare for the class. Sometimes if you were lucky you heard the last bit of the lesson and if you were a nerd like me, raised your hand like a boss and tried to act cool while everyone else wondered how you got that answer. Being the backpack holder was 4-6 straight weeks of no lunch lines, completely empty bathrooms, and trying to stifle laughter as your friend hit asshole classmates and scary teachers "accidentally" with their crutches. Ahhh to the good 'ol days....

Not Shocking At All News: Lil Wayne has Epilepsy

About 2 weeks ago Lil Wayne almost died. TMZ reported it, and then twitter exploded, and then we found out that he was kinda, sorta not dead but in the ICU. Last week Lil Wayne came out and said that he's epileptic. Sorry to hear that, I seriously am. However, I would probably feel a little more remorse if you weren't  drinkin 3 big ass styrofoam cups of sizzurp every day. High grade codeine isn't good for anyone, let alone someone who has a delicate neurological disorder. Same goes for all the weed he smokes, because if he's like most hood smokers I know, his best asset is rolling pristine blunts. Awesome skill, but doesn't help when it comes to breaking down the difference between reg and exo, sativia and indica, or what strains have high concentrations of THC, CBN, or CBC. Depending on what he's smoking, Wayne could either be helping or hurting his condition. He could either be calming himself down, which will lead to less seizures, or speeding his blood pressure up, thus causing more seizures. Either way, Wayne doesn't seem to give any fux, which is wonderful for a dad of four kids......YOLO!

Disney You Sneaky Bastard!: Lion King Edition

I love watching movies I haven't seen in a few years, especially children's movies. You always discover some adult joke you were too ignorant to get when you were like 8. Now, thanks to ABC Family, The Disney Channel, and my random ass work schedule, I have been watching a lot of these movies and laughing my ass off at the random plot holes I missed, as well as the skanky story lines I didn't realize existed. Here's the Lion King's:

Iiiight I'll Say It!: Get yo snifflin, sneezin, Typhoid Mary ass the FUCK away from me

If you're sick, I'm sorry. I hope you feel better. I also hope you stay your sniveling, congested ass as far the fuck away from me as possible. There is nothing more disgusting than sittin in a subway car minding your business only to have some strap hanger posted up in front of you descending vaporized droplets of rhinopharyngitis all over your shit. Why is it that the most infected people have to share the most shit? When you're healthy you can go for days without having to touch anything other than your own stuff. Soon as you get sick you have to hug your gramma, someone wants you to watch their baby, you need to give a hand shaking presentation to 200 sweaty palmed individuals. Either way, being sick sucks. Spreading that shit just makes you a rude bastard. It's always the truly sick muhhfuckas that never even attempt to isolate themselves. They're always the ones who sit a little too close to you on the bus, who get a little too much into your personal space when they're talking to you. They're the muhhfuckas who will sneeze all in ya grill and then keep on talkin like that wasn't disgusting as fuck. Get a box of tissues and a bottle of hand sanitizer and keep it movin. They're also the ones to look at you sideways when you outwardly show your disgust. I got on the train the other day and took a seat. A few stops later this walking germ gets on already coughing and sneezing. The car was practically empty, she could have sat wherever she wanted to, and yet she posted up RIGHT next to my ass. I immediately got up and walked over to the other side of the car and sat down. This gross ass woman yells down at me, "oh you don't want me near you?!" as she sneezes. "And catch what you got? hell no ma'am." The funny part is that in situations like these the germophobe is always seen as the bitch. Like I'm an asshole for trying to stay as healthy as possible and calling you out on your own uncleanliness. Welp, see me as a bitch all you want, I'll be the healthy bitch in the corner, rudely criticizing your gross, spreading viruses hither and yon, ass.

Iiiight I'll Say It!: BITCH! This is the Chinese store not a fuckin gourmet restaurant

Why do people do the absolute most at the cheapest establishments? I went to get some Chinese food the other day and when I walked into the store this lady was cursing the cashier OUT. Homegirl was goin on callin the cashier a "stupid bitch" and even went so far as to drop the "I'll take my money elsewhere" line. Really? You're cursing out poor lil Asian (and a few Latino --let's be real) cooks over a $5 meal? The saddest part is that it wasn't even over a $5 meal. This bitch was screaming over an eggroll that she did not order. You know damn well your ass didn't order a fuckin eggroll, and yet, here you are, delaying me getting my order so that your ignorant ass can save $1.03. This is your self worth? You have no problems putting your ignorance on display for a damn $1.03? And let's be real, we're at a greasy ass Chinese food spot that doesn't deliver. Errybody up in this store right now is here for cheap food. If you could afford to go to a nicer spot, or even order from a Chinese spot that fuckin delivers, you would. BUT, you didn't, and we call that a personal fuckin problem. Don't complain about a fuckin dollar eggroll that you KNOW you didn't order!

Iiiight I'll Say It!: Your baby is cute and all...but fuck yo baby

Babies are cute. Babies in public are not. There is nothing more annoying than heading to work only to have your momentum stopped because some parent with a little kid decided to play, "let's see if you can walk" during fuckin rush hour. Any other time and that shit is cute. But when I'm tryna book it up the stairs and you decide to have your kid climb those shits himself rather than just picking them up I wanna drop kick your kid right back down those muhhfuckin stairs.

Same goes for independent babies-- the babies that can do whatever they want and their parents just give no fucks. These are the babies who run up and down the benches on the train. Who stick their sticky ass booger covered faces in your own personal space because they're attracted by your smart phone. The babies you almost die for because they wander too close to the damn street while their parents are "liking" every status on Facebook and OOOOOOH SHIT WATCH OUT FOR THE BUS!

Iiiight I'll Say It!: Learn How to Walk You Fucking Fucktard

People seriously need to learn how to walk in public areas. If you're alone in your house or walking down a secluded street that's one thing. Spell out your name with your feet, jump from side to side, shit imitate the "Singing in the Rain" dance for all I care. But when you are on a public street, surrounded by other people (especially if it's a lot of people) well then you're gonna have to follow some fuckin rules son:

1. Get your ass over to the fuckin side. The sidewalk isn't your fucking runway and your bitch ass ain't Beyonce. Your life isn't one giant hip flexing video with Jay-Z posted up on a trash can in the backdrop with a cigar in his mouth. It's the fuckin SIDEWALK son, respect that shit. 

2. Keep pace with the crowd. Can't do that? Then get you ass over to the fuckin side. Some folks walk slower than others, and that's completely okay. What's not okay however is that slow ass fucker who decides to walk right in the middle of the muhhfuckin sidewalk. Don't let them have a big ass neither or even worse a fuckin baby stroller or a cart, then you're fuckin doomed to be stuck behind their slow moving ass for at least half a block. 

3. You're in love? How Sweet! Get to the fuckin SIDE!: There is nothing that makes me despise the concept of love more than nauseating assholes who misuse it. Like the bronchitis attempting to form in Sweet Brown's lungs, don't nobody got time for that! I honestly don't care if a couple is that insecure in their relationship that they need to validate it by taking PDA to the extreme, just take your desperate ass to the side, I got places to be.